I know in my relationship the responsibility of Zoe is far from 50/50. And I understand that it shouldn’t be 50/50 in our relationship. I am a stay-at-home mom and my husband takes on the financial responsibilities of the household so I know until I go back to work full-time we will never be a 50/50 relationship. But do 50/50 relationships exist???!
I’m not just referring to time spent taking care of the baby. Maybe for working mom’s the time spent with the baby is 50/50. But what about everything else? What about the mental labor? What about the invisible labor? I just can’t quite imagine any of my friend’s husbands buying the diapers. My husband doesn’t even know what size of diapers Zoe wears these days. Or ordering the wipes. Or picking out perfectly curated outfits. Am I the only mommy doing all of the shopping related to the baby? My husband can’t even buy clothes for himself, let alone the baby. And what about doctor’s appointments? You’re telling me there are daddies out there making doctor’s appointments for their children? I don’t even think my husband gets his teeth cleaned annually. Who is packing the babies personal effects when they go on vacation? I need answers!
My husband has never once thought to turn something over and look at the ingredients. Meanwhile I’m up at 1am reading the labels of the baby shampoo before hitting purchase on Amazon. Also, all my friends are scouting summer camps and researching schools to send their kids to. It’s quite complex and competitive in NYC. Are you telling me there are dads out there that know which coveted districts to live in to ensure a spot at a top tier school? The only PS my husband knows about is the PlayStation. For my non-New Yorkers out there PS stands for public school and navigating the public school system is akin to getting into the CIA.
Even before the baby was born, the relationship wasn’t 50/50. Who do you think put the baby registry together? My husband? No. And who carried the baby for nine long and hard months? Obviously me. Who was running all around town for gestational tests and chromosome screenings? Not my husband. I didn’t even ask him to come to most of the doctor’s appointments because I didn’t want to inconvenience him. Maybe that’s where the imbalance started.
I would say in my relationship it’s more like 95/5 (to clarify 95% of the responsibility is on me, 5% on my husband). 5% sounds rather low and I’m sure he would disagree but I’m also counting not just days but the nights. When the baby wakes up at 3am, who do you think is getting up to check on him? Hubs? Hard no. It’s momma bear. Always. So when you factor in nights as well I think I’m actually being generous by designating his contribution as 5%.
Am I doing too much? What’s fair? Should I be asking more of my husband? I can’t help but think that maybe I am doing too much. If I had gone back to work wouldn’t the evenings and weekends be a shared responsibility? They’re most certainly not. My husband gets home anywhere between 6:30-8pm and then helps out here and there but I bear the brunt of the work. Also he works 6 days a week. It’s a lot of work on me. I think for stay-at-home mom’s the responsibility of the children should be closer to 75/25. It’s simple math. There are 168 hours in a week and an average work week is 45 hours (45 divided by 168 equals 76% actually but to make it easier let’s just say 75%). If you look at it like that then I’m certainly contributing too much.
I guess I need to decide what is fair for myself and my relationship. Does 95/5 work for everyone? Probably not. Does it work of us at this point in our lives? It works for now. Do I wish I had more help? Sure but my husband does’t work 5 days a week, he works 6 days a week so these are the cards I was dealt.
If you’re a working mommy and have a truly 50/50 relationship then you’ve found a unicorn. Hold on tight to him. If you’re a stay-at-home mommy and have a 75/25 relationship, you won the husband lottery! Congratulations! Throw on some lingerie later, he deserves it lol.
After pondering this for awhile I took a poll of my girlfriends and from what I gathered no working mom felt like their relationship was 50/50 and no stay-at-home mom felt like their relationship was 75/25. All of my girlfriends (both stay-at-home moms and working moms) felt that they did more with the exception of one person.
One of my working mom’s had a very interesting take on this discussion. She said that her and her husband choose to not think of it as who is doing more or less at any given time. They just both actively show up. She said that today she might have done more but next week she has a work trip to Europe and expects her husband to fill in the gaps. I’ve actually always thought their relationship was strong/solid so maybe she was onto something. Maybe I’m thinking about it all wrong. Maybe I need to stop taking score and just view my husband and I as a cohesive team working towards the same goals. I know I couldn’t do it without my husband and even on the days where his help is limited, I still appreciate it.
My friend also said that prior to getting pregnant they discussed their partnership and the division of labor quite extensively. All we discussed extensively were baby names. Looking back I do wish we had sat down and really discussed our future together. They had raw discussions of what their life would look like with children and their expectations of themselves and of each other. Expectations of herself as a wife and as a mother and expectations of her partner as a husband and as a father and vice versa. Honestly I was blown away. She should write a book. It would be a bestseller in no time. This is a very mature and pragmatic way of viewing the relationship.
One of my stay-at-home mommies had great advice. She said that her and her husband try to do date nights together as much as possible (at the very least once per month) and she will put together a list of items she wants to discuss with him before the date and make sure to address them all throughout the night. You better believe next date night I’m coming in hot with an agenda, bullet points, a PowerPoint presentation and action items for my husband lol.
Another friend mentioned I read ‘How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids’ by Jancee Dunn. Clearly I’m not the only one harboring these thoughts. Stay tuned for a review on this book!
My intentions in writing this post is not for you to hate your spouse or turn you against him. I wanted to write this post to recognize all that you do as a mom and celebrate you! You are doing a wonderful job! We’re all in this together!